You Are Not Alone!
I thought about this woman today as I sat in the Blessed Sacrament Chapel at the Catholic Church around the corner from my home. I go there when I need prayerful direction, comfort and yes-when I am feeling alone. I remembered today how really alone I used to feel as a child and well into my adult life. In fact I clearly remember a day in my early twenties, at the beginning of a promising TV career and a new marriage- I remember telling God how alone I felt...detached like an island floating alone through the wide open sea. I pleaded with my God for a friend-someone to fill the emptiness...to fill the deep void within...that not even my friends or husband could fill. Well, beware of what you ask for, because God heard me-loud and clear-soon after-sending me my firstborn son. This surprise love child, baby Johnny, filled the days and hours, filled the time void, but-as much as I loved him-he didn't fill that internal emptiness-that lonely yearning deep inside....An aching, needy feeling of loneliness which I tried to fill over the years with a myriad of make believe anecdotes like career or relationships, or food, or shopping or alcohol.
Needless to say, nothing satisfied me because--I was not satisfied with myself...I was not at peace with me...filled with insecurity and self criticism, I surrendered to external influences in the search for inner fulfillment...Of course, that only suffocated me even further...causing me to lose my center and give away my inner power over and over and over again....It's no wonder so many of us have become compulsive consumers or bona fide addicts.It's taken me years of hard work, gut wrenching, heart pounding, self reflection to forge my way into the vast uncharted territory that is my emotional island. But it's paying off...I'm learning the difference between what I want and what I need...and the need is usually not that great...
I'm learning to accept and honor my feelings...all of them...the good, the bad, the ugly...
and I'm learning the giant difference between feeling alone...and feeling lonely...
And as I've come to understand myself better, I've come to understand my higher power better...and to really embrace the ultimate healing source of light and love that embraces me 24/7, whether I'm in a crowded room or alone in my bedroom...It's funny how we are told those things as children, but life gets in the way of our brains and sometimes we forget what we know deep within...That we are never alone-because God is always with us, inside of us, inspiring us with self love at the wonder of our being . I remember a few years ago during the end of my troubled marriage -a gifted priest, Fr. Bill McCarthy, prayed with me...He said, "Mary Lou let's hear what Jesus has to say." He closed his eyes, placed his hands over my head and spoke, "Mary Lou, you are never alone...I am your one true spouse."
While I admit, those words didn't give me much consolation back then...today, I smile at the enormous power of those words...and the peace they now bring me...
Today I no longer feel alone...though sometimes I do feel lonely. Of course in a house full of boys and friends and frenzy, that's not often....But during those rare times of loneliness I am comforted by Fr. McCarthy's words...and by the peace and contentment that has somehow filled in the hole that once left me feeling alone ... My prayer is that this young African woman will discover the peaceful understanding of who she really is...so that she can be filled with the fullness of the wonder of her being, instead of the fear of being alone. And besides-when you get right down to it...in her kind of marriage-if you can call it a marriage-she was all by her lonesome, any way you look at it!
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