DIVORCE AND RESURRECTION

Several years ago I brought my husband inside the Blessed Sacrament Chapel and as we sat before the Lord I asked, “Do you really want this divorce?” He looked down nodding his head as he replied almost timidly, “Yes.”

I wasn’t prepared for the sudden rush of emotion. Tears spilled down my face and an unexpected, heart palpitating tremor surged through my entire body. Death…It was that awful familiar feeling brought on by-death. I wanted to run from it.

I stood up, my body shaking…and then-my husband frantically grasped for approval, “I thought you wanted this too?” he implored. I was dumbfounded! Death wanted my approval! I wanted a miracle! Looking him squarely in the eye I took a deep breath and replied, “This is your decision, don’t put it on me.” I turned and walked out of the chapel.

Denial immediately stepped in, circling my heart, seducing me into believing this wasn’t really happening. Denial helped me cope with the shock of death. And yet, somewhere deep down in that sacred reserve within, I knew that my marriage had died a long time ago. I knew the deadly dysfunction of our relationship had to end. Still, I was scared and ashamed and worried. I was a Catholic woman, a television personality, working with a well-known church figure. The weight of judgment would be severe.

My sons were 6, 7, 11, 15 and 19 years of age. “But we’re just little kids,” one of them cried as we huddled together in the warm safety of my bedroom. “I am so sorry,” I replied hugging them tightly. “Always remember that each one of you is loved and safe, and together, we are going to make it.” I promised myself we would. I loved my kids more than myself and that love would save me-and them.

However, I couldn’t shake that gnawing feeling of denial. And it bothered me because I knew I had been living in denial all my life. Denial had been my coping mechanism and my achilles heel. But it had stopped working for me-a long time ago. Denial actually hurt me, keeping me in bondage to so many things, like the pain of reality…and then when I couldn’t cope anymore-I drank, almost to the point of death. I found the strength to give up the drink…but-denial clung to me like a powerful virus that invades your cells.

I needed real help.

Initially, I shared my feelings with a friend, Fr. Bill McCarthy. “Let’s see what Jesus has to say,” he replied reassuringly. Fr. Bill placed his hands on top of my head and prayed silently. Then he spoke these words, “Mary Lou, you are not alone. I am your one true spouse!”

“Jesus is carrying you,” Father McCarthy declared with conviction. I smiled sheepishly. At that moment it didn’t feel like anyone was carrying me.

That was nearly ten years ago and I have done some grueling work to get myself emotionally healthy. However I can honestly say, with my cooperation Jesus has been carrying me…through the wonderful roller coaster ride of raising 5 sons alone, through Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, to the counselors office, to the 12 step meetings, to Mass, to and from work, through divorce court, through my children’s recoveries, into prayer meetings and healing services and service work to help others…and the list goes on.

Jesus has carried me every single day, straight into the sunshine of his sacred heart where there is no room for the darkness of denial. It is there, that I have found profound peace, renewed purpose and confident hope. When I finally learned to let go of denial, I received the providential gift of a radically authentic life…a life that transcends time and space and is brimming with mercy and hope and an ocean of love.

Divorce under any circumstance, even when it is the only safe option, guts the soul, shattering the myth that it is an easy, turnkey solution. It’s very simply-an awful, awful experience. However, believe me when I say this…There is absolute life after death and I am so grateful for having received the transforming gift of the resurrection!